15 Years of Anniversary Gifts, Updated to Reflect Reality

By Liza Behles

1st Anniversary: Paper.

Remember that little artisanal paperie up in New Hampshire that we wandered into on our New England foliage tour last fall? Well, I remembered you really liked this card stock made from Cherry pulp and crushed lilac so I ordered some. Oh and, see, I had a local poet-slash-calligrapher re-imagine the lyrics to “Crazy in Love” so that they’re about US. Wow, I can’t believe I’m crying. I’m such a dork!

2nd Anniversary: Cotton.

Year two! Can you believe it? So… I got you underwear. I know it’s not that romantic but I noticed a) you don’t actually know how to use the washing machine and b) you seem to have forgotten we have white couches. Here, feel these — they’re crazy soft!

3rd Anniversary: Leather.

Okay don’t laugh, but I got you leather pants! Aaaaand a treadmill so that maybe in a few months, you can fit into them!

4th Anniversary: Linen.

I got you some pillowcases. Oh also, no more blow jobs. I’m done with that shit.

5th Anniversary: Wood.

I got you this baby changing table from IKEA — aaaaand this cute little L-wrench-thingy that I guess is all you need to set it up. What’s that about the game? GODDAMNIT I PUSHED A HUMAN OUT OF MY VAGINA THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS NAIL SOME BOARDS TOGETHER.

6th Anniversary: Iron.

Ours was broken so I got a new one from Bed Bath and Beyond. Of course I used the twenty percent off coupon–I’m not financially irresponsible like SOME PEOPLE who seem to think white couches grow on trees.

7th: Anniversary: Wool.

Wait. What part of no more blow jobs didn’t you understand?

8th: Anniversary: Bronze.

This year I had all your high school athletic trophies melted down to create a bronze bust of my parents. I know how much they mean to you.

9th Anniversary: Pottery.

I made you this coil pot in pottery class. It’s that place I go on Tuesday nights when you “work late” at some office our credit card statement likes to call “O’Shanahan’s Bar and Grille.”

10th Anniversary: Tin.

At first I was like “Tin is really hard.” But then I was like OH RIGHT SO IS MARRIAGE. Here’s a tin of kettle corn from three Christmasses ago that I found in the basement right next to the treadmill you’ve never fucking used.

11th Anniversary: Steel.

Surprise! It’s the Steely Dan Box Set you’ve always wanted! You can listen to it in the car– which is a machine (also made of steel!) that functional parents use to pick up their children from hockey practice on Thursday nights instead of leaving them alone in a dark parking lot for hours.

12th Anniversary: Silk.

Okay, this year I think I nailed it. I got you Steeler’s tickets! Wait what? Oh right, last year was our eleventh anniversary. Fuck. I guess I’ve been napping a lot. And by napping I mean drinking.

13th Anniversary: Lace.

I’m having my wedding dress made into a tablecloth. That’s probably a metaphor for something but I’m tired and don’t remember. Have you seen my pills?

14th Anniversary: Ivory.

I was gonna donate the gift money online to this Save the Elephants Foundation but I got sidetracked by your browser history. Underage Amputee Sluts? I mean… I don’t even…

15th Anniversary: Crystal.

Sorry, this one has nothing to do with crystal. I think maybe we should consider a trial separation. You can keep the iron if you want.

Liza Behles is a freelance copywriter and McSweeney’s contributor. You can see her work here.